Pale in Comparison

Happy New Year! I know it’s been a while, but I thought I’d give you all a little bit of time to catch your breath after all of the holiday and new years festivities.  It’s been an eventful couple of weeks, let me tell you.  Our holiday season did not start off so well, because about a week before Christmas my mom slipped on the ice and broke her wrist.  Keep in mind, this is a woman who has lived in Chicago her whole life and faced the most brutal of winters.  The fact that she has managed to keep her balance until now is deserving of a round of applause.  I don’t know about you, but it makes me a little freaked out to be on the ice.  But maybe that’s just because I am one of the klutziest people in the world, when I’m not dancing.  The break was bad and my mom needed surgery, so that was not too much fun.  It hasn’t all been bad, though.  For one thing, Jake and I got to be my mom’s chauffeurs for about a week, so we had lots of time for good car talks (the best kind of heart-to-hearts) and I finally learned to drive a car other than the beast.  And, in the spirit of our family, my mom has learned to laugh at her situation. For two weeks she had to keep her arm elevated, so we all walked around the house waving at her constantly. 

Despite my mom’s injury, we still went to Mexico.  It really was the best place for her to heal, and the rest of us didn’t mind it too much either.  This year I was especially hopeful that I would get tan, or at least mildly beige, but no.  I have finally realized that it is time to give up all hope of ever getting that bronze glow, because I am permanently pasty.  My mom tries to make me feel better about my condition by telling me that I’m alabaster, like a China doll.  But who are we kidding? I’m practically translucent.  I would like to say that it’s genetics, but my parents both get quite dark after a day or two in the sun.  Jake is more or less in my boat, but I think that I am truly the whitest thing to ever walk this earth.  I partially blame my mother, who brought along, wait for it…spf 85 for the trip.  I mean, really, isn’t it all the same after 30? We opened up her stash of sunscreen when we got there and found spf 55 (which was gone after 2 days), spf 70 (which went next), and the truly absurd spf 85.  On the second to last day I found out that she was hoarding a bottle of spf 50, so I stole it and brought it to the beach, but it was too late. 

In my effort to get tan, I laid in the sun for hours (I’m talking 5 hours a day here, people), with the desperation that only a near-albino girl can have.  I did everything I could, but it was hopeless.  Even the managers at the restaurant noticed.  Little known fact: Mexico loves me.  For whatever reason (though it’s not hard to believe) whenever we go to Mexico, the people take an extra liking to me.  Maybe it’s because I try to speak Spanish, or maybe it’s just because I’m awesome.  So the two managers at the restaurant would come over to chat, and one day, Narciso said, “Wow it’s amazing! You’ve been laying out for days and you’re still so pale!”  As if I didn’t already know.  Later that night he informed me that they sold tanning oil in the gift shop, if I was interested.  Too bad that I would have been burnt to a crisp if I had used it.  Then, a few days later during breakfast, the other manager says, “I can’t believe you still haven’t gotten tan. Not at all! I’m going to go pray to the Mayan gods for you.  Maybe they can help.”  Really? I mean, I know it’s bad, but at least I got a few sun freckles.  And I could have sworn I had a faint tan line.  That counts for something, right?

So for all of you men out there reading this (if you exist), you know what’s coming up.  I’m mentioning this early, because I know how much you like to procrastinate.  You don’t want to be that guy who is frantically searching for a Valentine’s Day gift on February 13.  So when you are thinking about what to buy for your loved one (or loved ones), order them a tote bag!  They come in lovely hues of pink, if that seems more romantic, but we all know that all of the colors are great for a gift.  And they can hold a lot of sunscreen.

-Emma